post 10 on day 16

Hello out there, I admit its been a few days since my last posting. I apologize to those of you who have put your lives' on hold waiting for my next posting *wink*.  It has been quite a struggle trying to a.) find the motivation to write and b.) finding adequate time to put in a quality session of writing.  Therefore I am going to amend my original goal of writing everyday to writing at least once a week, at least until I get a computer of my own. I think for obvious reasons I received a bit of a scolding last week for blogging while I was at work.  On top of that I have been battling a lingering illness the last few weeks and that has really sapped my energy. (even as I write this it sounds an awful lot like more excuses huh?)

In terms of my my quitting this last week has been a challenge.  I broke down and smoked a few times this last week and I am extremely disappointed in myself.  Rather than dwell on the fact that I did smoke I wish to discuss maybe what triggered my caving to the craving.

On Tuesday I received an email from a long, lost friend notifying me that she would be in town and that she would love to see me.  We made plans to meet up for lunch on Wednesday afternoon.  Mariah was my first room-mate ever; we were 18 years old, shared a tiny studio apartment in a scary part of downtown Spokanistan.  During those days (rather than getting our unemployed behinds to school or work), we would sit for hours in this tiny 12X12 foot space; playing chess, philosophizing on the social issues present in our young lives and having really intense, yet somewhat pointless conversations about what was wrong with the world.  Then in the evening drag ourselves out to some party and succeed in getting high, drunk, or high and drunk, and we pretty much chain-smoked through it all.  I am able to look back now and see that we were really just trying to find ourselves, decide where we wanted to go, and really just figure out life.  Later that year, Mariah moved to Seattle and I eventually moved to Portland.  Over the last 13 years our life path's just drifted apart only coming back together recently thanks to the reunifying powers of Facebook.  So on Wednesday morning I brushed my teeth, took a shower, cleaned the house and eagerly waited with nervous anticipation for my friend to arrive.  I was making a light lunch of grilled cheese sandwich's and tomato soup; which was prepped and ready to cook about two hours before the appointed time of our little reunion. I believe that a sign of life-long friendship is the ability to pick right back up where we left off, and I was worried that we wouldn't have that, I wondered if it would it be a series of awkward silences as we struggled to fill in the gaps of what we had done or not done in the last decade.  I found myself getting bored waiting for her to arrive and I had nothing to do. In my boredom, I decided to say F-it and I had a beer, which of course led to my bumming a cig. from one of my neighbors.  In my memory, she had possessed an anger and edge that made her seductively beautiful yet detached and cold. I was eager to see what she had become.  Mariah arrived looking soft and beautiful, she truly had grown into an "earth mother." My fears were alleviated as we drifted into easy conversation and giggly reminiscence; she was an absolute joy to see.  Incidentally, she quit smoking five years ago and is a fairly strict vegetarian.  On Thursday night we had dinner with another old friend from those days; Kristine, and we had a marvelous time, laughing and comparing stories of our foolish twenties.  Kristine quit smoking four years ago and has since run in two marathons, truly inspiring.  Needless to say, we all agreed that we will not let so much time go by between visits.

I realized that boredom is a trigger, and to counter-act that trigger, I really need to focus on prioritizing my activities and really just be more efficient with my time management.  Along with that, cultivating my existing and learning new hobbies would be truly beneficial as well.

My second lapse came on Friday, after a frustrating morning at work, I left for my lunch break and as I was innocently walking down the street a passerby pointlessly and needlessly shouted out their vehicle window "faggot."  I first thought well maybe it was someone I new, but after looking at the occupants of that truck I knew it was no-one familiar to me, and I was filled with rage.  First of all in a progressively minded city in which I live, hearing hateful terminology is few and far between.  In fact, since I had left Spokane I had never once been called a "faggot," (except for once a few years ago when I was in Vancouver after a weird and rare one night stand).  In my blind fury I had bought a pack of cigarettes and it wasn't until I was halfway through my second smoke did I realize what I had just done.  All the work and misery and "joy" of the last two and a half weeks had just come undone.  All because I let some ignorant piece of red-neck trash get me riled up.  I discovered that another trigger for me is anger. and I decided as I was throwing the rest of the pack in the trash, that I will never let someone else's stupid, thoughtless words have that kind of power over me.  Its easier said then done but I believe that through prayer and meditation this can be achieved.

Thank you all for your prayers and wishes of success.  I feel them and it inspires me to continue to fight this battle one day at a time.

Happy Martin Luther King day, may the spirit of tolerance, peace, and equality in all things, be with us all, as we recognize that we are all necessary and valuable members of the same human family.