Wednesday, January 5, 2011

day five

Today has been an interesting day.  I spoke to a wise customer who is now my friend, he quit smoking 18 years ago and admitted that he still thinks about a cigarette.  My own father who has been a quitter now for almost 30 years, still pats his shirt pocket after a hearty family dinner.  It got me questioning, will these cravings ever really go away?

I have been tempted but I have been strong. The main temptation has been along the lines of little compromises, because I have quit, not only smoking, but also alcohol and caffeine many of my friends and acquaintances have offered a few suggestions/temptations that would make this easier.  I have been hearing "wow Levi that's cool that you are doing this but do you really want to give up all three at the same time?" The idea of allowing yourself to indulge in one of the three vices at  precisely one time each month is quite tempting.  But I feel that wouldn't be true to the intent of this whole challenge.  I am a big believer in the power of the mind.  I am determined to be successful at this.  My family and certain long term friends of mine knows that I can be a bit of a flake.  This time I must persevere, this time I must follow-through.  Why? Because I want to believe in redemption, and I want to believe in forgiveness.  And damn-it I guess I have something to prove.

I was introduced to the "rule of 3," Basically my understanding is that the 3rd day, 3rd week, 3rd month, 3rd year etc.. is supposed to be the most challenging when it comes to overcoming addictions.  (Great... something to look forward too) It got me thinking about a session I had with a therapist a few years ago.  I did that thing that a patient is never supposed to do...I peeked at her notepad...The words borderline personality, post-traumatic stress disorder, and addictive personality disorder was penciled in the margins.  I have never really read up on what these disorders means, I have been too lazy and too fearful to find out just how crazy and imperfect I am.  I have also never gone back to that therapist.  I have been thinking that I can give up these bad habits but I think it goes deeper than just the habits themselves.  I know people who can have one cigarette, or one drink, and manage to not develop a long-term nasty habit.  I am not one of those people and I want to know why.

So today I decided to google seach addictive personality disorder.  I need to preface the following with I am not a psychiatrist, nor am I attempting to self-diagnose, I am merely trying to understand addiction, as it pertains to me and I am also trying to be as honest in this blog as possible.  One website listed symptoms of APD as; "anti-social behavior, substitution of vices, instant gratification, anxiety and depression, and secrecy."  While I plan on analyzing each "symptom" in future Blogs.  I wanted to address the "secrecy" first.  The descriptor behind this basically speaks of the addicts desire to "hide addiction" driven by "fear or shame of being caught."  I thought well gosh, I am writing about this on the World Wide Web, and if anyone is reading this they could think that I am full of shit, how do you strangers know that I am truly a quitter?  The fact is I can't prove to anyone out there that I have indeed gone 5 days without a smoke.  I can only promise you that if I do slip-up I will be honest in this forum, I will tell you.  I give you my word.  And where I come from a man's word still means a great deal.

5 comments:

  1. I haven't known you for very long, but I completely trust that you're telling the truth. And it doesn't matter what strangers think... You know and your (true) friends and family know. And it doesn't matter anyway because you're DOING it! You're not slipping up now and you're not going to (thinking positive works.) Your mind is super powerful. Remember when I told you about not puking for 25 years? Yup. You have this. You're way stronger than your addiction.

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  2. This is inspiring stuff-- it also makes me introspective as I read your of own self searching. Thank you-- I will follow your journey faithfully... I feel certain I will learn along with you.

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  3. Hi Levi.. its Joette (:

    You are a very good writer. I have enjoyed reading this blog and look forward to your 360 more days of transformation. Its funny.. I was just thinking about you today as I sat at the piano and sang an old song that I played in the 22nd ward many years ago. I remember seeing you in tears after I played and was grateful that I could touch a soul with my music. If you are a force of nature and I don't doubt that well then much will try to get in your way... especially addiction. I'm excited to see you free yourself up for all the great great things you will do. Now on to great snacking... I really enjoy anything made by the sensible portion brand. Serving sizes are like 40 peices for only about 120 calories. I love chocolate pudding cups that are only 60 cal... My brother went through costco boxes upon boxes of tootsie roll pops. He said that just having the white stick hanging out his mouth gave him the sensation that he was smoking. I thought that was interesting. ... I'll write more as I think of it. You are great. I'm excited to read your journey.

    Love your friend,
    Joette

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  4. Congratulations Levi! I've not heard of the rule of 3's before. I just heard of the rule of one. For me it was, I can do this one more day. It finally ended up being some years since I quit. I too had to quit the other things at the same time as it seemed I couldn't do the one without doing the other.
    Hang in there! It will get easier...

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  5. I was going to say the same thing Dad said--good for you for quitting all three at once. It seems that many of those things go together. Finding a healthy replacement (like running or brushing your teeth)can be helpful, too.

    For the record, I don't think you have a personality disorder or PTSD. The addiction thing sounds a lot more plausible.

    You are my best little brother! (;

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