Sunday, January 9, 2011

day nine 2:22 am

I suffer from insomnia.  I fall asleep with no problem but then anywhere from 2 to 4 am I wake up and find myself completely wide awake.  Its strange how the creative juices flow pretty heavily at these quiet hours of the night.

Maybe I get it from my father who is well-known for starting various projects at the weirdest times.  I remember one instance when I was in junior high and I came home pretty late after some music or athletic event.  To find a gaping hole in the front living room where the window used to be, and there was my dad standing on the front porch... Looking like a maniacal mad man holding a roaring chainsaw.  At the time I remember questioning his sanity.  If my memory serves me correctly it was November and in Spokane that is winter-time, not the most ideal time to start a major construction project.  He decided to build a bay window complete with a wide bench seat.  I am all thumbs when it comes to mechanical stuff, honestly I have trouble changing a light bulb.  Its a family joke now, my dad and his inopportune timing for projects.  But I have to say to his credit he always finishes what he starts.  I am trying to capture some of his fortitude in this blog project.  His abilities amaze and inspire me and his gift with carpentry, automotive, and that stick-to-it mentality is awesome.  And that Bay window is like a tiara for my parents modest home.

My childhood was idyllic, we didn't have much in the way of material wealth. But my parents, at least from my perspective never burdened us with the true poverty that was there, especially in the early years.  I am the youngest so my memory is hazy at best when it comes to that particular time.  When other families would go to a fancy ski resort, we would all pile into an old wooden fishing raft and be dragged around the snowy fields behind my daddy's old blue truck...I think it was a Chevy though I can't really remember (truthfully I have never been good with make and models of vehicles).  I didn't think it abnormal for the family to be selling corn off the side of the road like a band of gypsy's or packing up the van with music equipment to go play at some backwater grange hall. I love the taste of corn and it will forever be a staple to my diet.  And I still remember the smell of the burgundy velvet lining of my daddy's guitar case, that cherry-red Gibson electric is priceless in my eyes. And I still enjoy falling asleep listening (or feeling rather) to a low throbbing bass line. 

What did I care about fancy TV's or gaming consoles.  I had about an acre of corn field/Christmas tree lot/Mattoon family forest (that acre has seen many transformations) and a substantial backyard in which to play.  My imagination ran wild and free, to this day I still have a child-like capability of dreaming up fantasy lands.

I was a queer little kid; pleasant, calm, and obedient but always doing something strange.  I was obsessed by "girly" things when I was young; little orphan Annie, dancing, gymnastics, a huge horse-lover, and frequently I was a "damsel in distress." It wasn't that I wanted to be a girl, it was more that... well lets just say I preferred doing chores in the kitchen verses those of the "big red barn."  I did have my fair share of "boy" things that I loved too though, I had a bunch matchbook cars that my best friend Matt and I would play with all the time.  I also loved Thunder-cats and was very fond of Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles.  I guess I haven't really changed that much in my old age.  I still like a lot of those things;)

There was some ugly things in my childhood too though, and in my adulthood I have come to a proper reconciliation.  I was introduced to sex way too early.  However, I have found that I am not special in that regard, a lot of "normal, healthy" functioning adults also went through similar or worse situations in the youth.  I have found forgiveness and peace with that bit of personal history and furthermore I detest when people blame their childhoods for the mistakes they make in their adulthood. 

It occurred to me that I should probably explain that I am writing this here, because in the process of kicking these bad habits I do believe a thorough self-examination is in order.  I think reviewing my history is very important in the sense that by looking for patterns of addictive tendencies I may be able to isolate certain triggers that I can be aware of and be watchful for in the future.

Anyway, I am going to back to sleep now.

3 comments:

  1. Yes, look for the patterns... but I also think you should not rule out genetics-- there is alcoholism up both sides of your family line. This tendancy should make you all the more leery about ever using. Good writing...

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  2. I totally had no idea that there was another family that used chainsaws to make bay windows! The question is, did one inspire the other? I am fascinated to know.

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  3. I'm a little worried here....no posts recently...how's the quitting going???

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